It’s been a hundred and thirty-four days since chapter 003 commenced, and even with how I went MIA on here, I started this post 15 days after, and 119 days later it’s finally a reality.
I am going to be very sincere, my life has been somewhat a roller-coaster since the first lock-down in March. When 2020 began, I really had high hopes, it was meant to be the year that the puzzle pieces of my life will come together nicely with no hitches whatsoever. I mean I had it all figured out, or so I thought, but I am reminded to always depend totally on Abba’s will. There I was finally inculcating some type of fitness routine in my daily life, eating healthy, and being more determined than ever. It was going on smoothly until the ‘Rona (Covid-19) struck, then the first lock-down three barely three months into what was supposed to be my ‘it’ year.
What would follow is a series of events that would build my hope like never before, even with subtle doubts and uncertainties steadily popping up. I doubt I can ever do justice in painting the actual of all I went through. Where do I even begin??? Probably from when it dawned on me that I was technically in a cage, even if I really do love staying indoors. I mean, it’s one thing to have the liberty of deciding to move and choosing not to, and not having such liberty is another thing.
There I was in the middle of a pandemic, miles away from home, having to deal with everything all by myself. It made no sense, nothing made sense at the point. To crown it all, I still had to study, and boy! it really was hard, to be very honest. My feedback made me extremely sad, especially with how I knew my capabilities and knew it would have all been way better if the pandemic wasn’t in existence. I struggled all through, as my attention span was at an all-time low, which has been my reality for the better part of 2020.
I went through various emotions, each and every one of them perhaps. There were a few times I laughed and was happy, then the majority of the time I felt indifferent and overwhelmed, and at other times I felt anger, pain, disappointment. The latter mostly came from the many ‘NOs’ I got, for something I was in dire need of. Not after putting in so much effort towards it, I felt so hurt and powerless, and oh! I was on the brink of depression.
The thing is, before the lock-down, everything seemed ever so promising, but then came the rise of the peak of the pandemic, and there went my certainty. Apparently the calm before the storm? Then there was that time I had a Covid scare sometime in April, lol. The thing with fear is that as you make room for it, even if you feel you have all the faith in the world, what you fear begins to become your reality. Hence fear and faith can never co-exist, one must always make way for the other.
FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real
In all this, I was seriously struggling with my faith, as it was really shaken, and at some point, I couldn’t even pray. I always felt so numb, whilst totally existing on pure vibes. I took a break from almost everyone and those social media platforms that could enable one-on-one conversations, because I was tired of abusing the “I am fine” phrase when in fact I wasn’t. Processing everything that was happening all at once was so difficult, I was always so exhausted and mentally stressed. My Mum especially was the only one I could actually open up to, and even at that, she didn’t know a quarter of half of what was transpiring. There were nights I thought I was going to lose my mind, and I’d always call her and literally wail, there went my mental health. But my lock-down playlist kept me sane, I always had it on from the going down of the sun to the rising of the same. I recently brought them all together, here; https://open.spotify.com/playlist/53M6A8rVs6FVLaKZkwSCeP?si=xejAjY7JT1W15I5XYSeVtQ
However, 366/366 and I’m grateful to Abba for the gift of life, as well as the many disappointments especially, because they’ve given way for even more hope. Earlier today, I stumbled on a post that read “the cross is proof of God’s love, not miracles”. Apparently, He loved me deeply even before my existence, and in all I went through, He was ever so mindful of me.
We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails. (Proverbs 19:21 MSG).
It’s going to be 2021 in a bit, and unlike this time in 2019 when I had 2020 all mapped out, I’m only believing in Abba’s perfect will. I’m really optimistic, hopeful, and thankful for the new year, and the many beautiful things that would follow.
HAPPY NEW YEAR Sweeties, it’s going to be an amazing one.